


This Means Nothing

by SabyAmerica



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-01
Updated: 2013-03-16
Packaged: 2017-11-20 01:09:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/579640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SabyAmerica/pseuds/SabyAmerica
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is after the finale of Season 2, in which Mickey has said those awful words to Ian, and Ian is just considering his life. He goes thru many places along this, tyring to get back on his feet, after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Remember You By Name

I was lying in bed, with nothing to do. It was a cold day of winter, and I needed to warm myself before going out into this tainted and rusting world. I had been lying here since Fiona came and woke Lip up to go help her with breakfast, because Carl had done one of his near-sociopathic experiments in the kitchen and Fiona couldn’t possibly clean and cook at the same time, not at least without help.   
She begged me to help as well but Lip, as he always did, defended me, and explained the situation to Fiona. That’s what I had assumed, since he did pull her closer and whispered into her ear, and afterwards they both stared at me; she sighed, and left the room, with Lip following her. I agreed with myself that it was a safe and probably accurate assumption. 

I was staring at the ceiling and for some reason it all reminded me of past memories, when days seemed to go by much smoother, and probably because I was always in the hope to be sent a text message from Mickey, because he wanted to fuck or something like that. Now that all seemed like a sweet dream I hadn’t woken up from in a while, until that day, when Frank saw us. What he saw didn’t really bother him, but Mickey’s reaction to Frank’s presence had been exaggerated in my view. I knew Frank wouldn’t tell anyone about what he had seen, but Mickey didn’t seem to fully understand my words, whenever I would say that. Mickey. Just his fucking name bothered me. I hadn’t said it since I’ve told Lip what had happened so that he wouldn’t bother me with questions such as “So where’s Milkovich, Ian? You haven’t talked about him for a while. You guys had a fight?” I personally hated these more than anything. Every single time his name was spoken I could feel shivers of pleasure running through me and tossing my head back to my pillow and my body towards the ceiling, then that feeling would disappear as fast as it had existed. Then my mind would be covered in walls painted black and the words he had spoken written in red “You’re nothing but a warm mouth to me.”

I felt my hands began to freeze and my body would collapse into this intense sense of warmth, as if I would burst into flames at any moment, and then back to my icy path, and therefore I couldn’t leave the bed, because my body’s temperature was nowhere near exact or regular. Nobody had even mentioned the Milkovich’s in the past month but his name hovered around me like a dark cloud. His black and spiked hair, I could feel it in my hand. I could remember pulling it back, having it on my bare hands. My head feels dizzy every time I attempt to lift myself off the bed, so I just fall back on it. I imagine he’s here. I imagine he loves me, and he holds my hand, burying his fingers in the space between my own. 

Why can’t he just stop being so fucking stupid and why can’t he just stop everything and be with me? Instead of hiding we could be together. I cleansed my eyes after this thought and covered my head with the blanket. I was hidden from the world, judgment and hurt. At least that’s what I told myself, and I wanted to believe in it so much, so much, I was craving him, begging for him. My cheeks were now filled with remains of my tears, I wasn’t sobbing, just quietly tarring myself apart. I should forget this chapter of life; I should have learned something from Kash, Lloyd, but nothing. Hadn’t I paid this deft a long time ago? I figured out I had, but as it seems I was and am wrong.

……

It was two in the afternoon, and I hadn’t been out of bed unless it was to use the bathroom. I went out of my room wash my face, I seemed to be burning across my body, so I decided to go back and take my orange towel so I could take a shower. I entered the bathroom fully dressed, with my underwear, pants and t-shirt on. I took all of them off and entered the tub. The water started dripping down my wounded body. I had bruises all over my ribcage and my left arm. I liked the thought of the water slowly following the lines of my body, my tears could then pass for nothing else than water, and my red eyes as irritated by the shampoo in my eyes. I was safe between the rushing water and the enormous world map curtain that shielded me from the rest of the room. Someone entered the room. They came closer to the mirror and apparently were wiping something from it; I then realized it should’ve been Fiona. Although whoever it was they didn’t speak, they must have understood it was me, by the orange towel on the rack, and decided to leave me to my thoughts. 

I was far too tired to keep standing up in the tub, so I sat on its cold ground and threw my hands to the back of my head. I intended to hold my hair and pull it back a bit, but it was so short, it was hardly impossible to grab anything. My options weren’t much, so I pulled my knees closer to my nose, and grabbed both of them pushing them into my face. The shower had turned off, and I saw a hand moving the handle, that make it function. 

-You’ve been in there for an hour Ian. The water’s gotta be freezing. –he was aware that I knew that, but he still said it anyway. I then saw his hand go back and come back in the shower with my towel. – I know you don’t need this, because there’s only you and me in the house, but you always feel kinda better with it so.

I smiled at his statement and accepted his offer. I wrapped it around my waist and opened the curtain. Lip was staring at me like a little puppy, as if I needed more sympathy than I’d been given, I returned him a confused look and he reached out his hand to my shoulder, he tapped it and smirked. I then went out of the bathroom and my brother stirred us both into our bedroom. He threw me in my bed and quickly, after closing the door, got up to his. I took the towel off and started to get dressed. I opened the first drawer and searched for underwear, anywhere in that mess. I ended up finding some red and black checkered boxers and took them out, fitting my legs in them to put them on. I was going to search around for more clothing but this day was seriously starting to get a little better, and the sun was opening up, so as long as the door and the windows were closed, and I was in bed, I wouldn’t be tempted to wear anything else. 

-It sucks doesn’t it? When the person you care about fucks it up?

I didn’t know what he was talking about, until I processed his words once more in my head. I lifted myself of the bed, to be sitting down. I looked up at him, and answered in the simplest way there was to confirm a statement, the three word letter, “Yes”.

Lip sighed and jumped off his bed; he took a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it up, as he sat next to me. He sent all of the smoke accumulated in his mouth out and passed the cigarette to me. I kindly took it and smoked. He then asked me if he could do anything to help. Anything at all. He even offered to take me to a gay club down town. After this very strange offer I gave him a very confused, yet amused look. He then explained that he would drive me there, and pick me up if I needed, not actually enter the damn thing. I took another turn at the cigarette as Lip would add a “unless you wanted me to”, to his last sentence. I nodded, and gave him the cigarette kindly suggesting we would have to get him a guy as well. He nodded with a laugh bursting out of him, and said the man only had to be shorter than him; he didn’t like to fuck people that were very tall.

Our strange conversation lasted a few more minutes, and between laughs and coughs out of the smoke, my mind was nowhere near Mickey at the moment, and it felt weirdly calm. We did finish our conversation with me fully dressed since he reminded me that Fiona would be back in about 10 minutes, and would expect for me to have some clothes on other than my boxers. 

……

Dinner. We usually had to have every meal of the day together, it was Fiona’s idea, that at least at that time we would not be in trouble, or school, or with our respective girlfriends and boyfriends but with the people that would always be there for us no matter what. Of course this group of people now included Steve, or Jimmy, whatever his name was. He was a rich boy from Miami, who had dropped out of Med School and was now making a living by stealing cars and selling those, and since he had changed his way of living he had also changed his name from the original Jimmy to Steve. We had all met him as the second man, but we had discovered that he was a good person after all so we allowed him to join our not so little family.

Debbie was giggling and trying to steal food from him, he was trying to make Fiona kiss him during our meal; Lip was just stirring the food right into his mouth and Carl. Well I really don’t know where he was, but he had to be somewhere around here, or maybe Fi just hadn’t noticed with the hovering of Jimmy/Steve and Liam, who was sitting in his chair playing with his food, as infants do.

I could hardly look at Steve/Jimmy, especially since I had slept with his dad. Not my most valid choice but I couldn’t have known it was his dad, I assumed he was just an older man, who just liked younger guys. And I did like older men for somewhat reason, married ones also, and convicts. Daddy issues, I guess. I had finished my dinner by now, so I picked up my plate, stood up and took it to the sink. As I look up from my low eye sight line I saw the dinner table, and that every person in it was staring at me, including Liam, even the little toddler could identify that I was obviously not okay. I smiled at the little guy, and then at all the others staring at me. Fi and Steve/Jimmy both grinned, but she looked a lot more sympatric then him, he was just thrilling happy. 

Every single look they gave me was just throat cutting. I felt like I was going to stop breathing at any point and faint right there on the floor. The side of the kitchen where Monica had…slid her wrists. It doesn’t even sound real, but it is. And their grinning faces remind me of better times. When he and I were hot and heavy, when we were feeling so good, at least I was. 

-I’m going up to my room, okay? -As I was finished speaking they all answered in diverse ways, saying the exactly same thing, “It’s okay Ian, we understand”. The thing is you don’t.

I was now at the top of the stairs that would lead me back into my shield of the world, my own sheltered location. I had to hold on to the wall on my right. I was almost in my room; I couldn’t breakdown right outside of it. I wouldn’t, I would not. 

Oh god, why? Fuck! Someone tell me why?! I’m not gonna hold on much longer. I tried to walk just a few more steps. Just three more steps now. You can do it. Can you? I…I-I can’t b-breathe.

I sent my back to hit the wall I had been holding on for so long and kept my hands on my eyes, so they covered my whole face. I felt something tapping my feet. I didn’t want to look up; no one could see me like this, not a soul. I told them to fuck off, to go away, I didn’t want anyone right there with me. I had gotten no answer so I looked up to flip them off and I saw this adorable little dark skinned boy staring confused at me. Hitting me with a toy on my leg, as I tried to use one of my fake smiles that I had almost ran out of this past months. 

This sweet innocent boy thought I needed to be cheered up. I dropped my legs on the floor, making him stand right between them standing up. I picked him up, and hugged him, tight, softly. I didn’t want to lose anything else. I held him so tight, I believe to this day, that he understood me; he heard my heartbeat and positioned his little arms around my neck, as if he was hugging me back. Poor Liam, I was all messed up, and I had soaked his tiny back. Small rivers of anger, faith, hope, and every piece of him that was burning inside of me, all gone, and this little infant only keep smiling.

After a few minutes in this sweet embrace I got myself off the ground still with my baby brother, (yes, my baby brother, not my cousin) in my arms, and I was walking towards the other end of the hall to put him down to sleep. As soon as I reached his room and left him in his crib, he started crying. I immediately picked him up and twirled around with his little head against my heart. 

-You really don’t want me to leave you do you Liam? – He stared back at me grinning and giggling, I wished I could go from sad to happy like that, in only a few seconds. I had thought when we last spoke, I was semi-happy and he tore my heart out of my chest. I guess that was not of the many threats he had given me, or warned me about, but it was the only one he had seen through.

I walked back to my room with the baby on my arms. I sat him on my bed and began to remove my cloth. T-shirt, jeans, even my socks, belt, until I was only with my underwear on, and Liam was still giggling about something. I looked over to him and picked him up, pulled my covers down and layd on the bed with my sort of amused and clinging to my neck youngest member of the family and pulled the covers up. He felt asleep right before I could shut my eyes and see someone walk in the room. Lip if I had to guess.


	2. Vivid Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian is still going thru the whole Mickey being in jail thing and this is just his daily routine throught out the time

My eyes opened to the sound of crying. I woke up in my bed, hoping to see the little guy next to me, but he wasn’t. I was scared and I searched for him for a few seconds before I realized he was under the covers playing with my feet.   
I got into the covers myself and brought in a flashlight which I pointed at my baby brother’s tiny dark legs. It was far too hot to be under the covers like this, but Liam seemed to like clinging his nails to my toes for some odd reason. I began to laugh and tried to sit down next to him, so I could look at him and he could continue his authentically original game. He would giggle every time he tickled me because I had to move my foot back every time he did that. My reflexes were really good I guess, and he enjoyed the rapid movement of it all. 

I heard his name being yelled out by a female voice. It seemed worried; I took the cover of my head and yelled back, given possibly Fiona the location of the child. She came up to the room and looked surprised as she looked around and saw nothing, until I removed the covers from Liam, and she saw the little Gallagher with the flashlight. She smiled at him, and picked him up.

-I was going to try and take you to your bed last night, but you and Ian seemed SO comfy –she rubbed her nose on his as she spoke – that I thought it would be nice to have a change for once. You liked it, right Liam? Was it fun?

I grinned at them, as little Liam looked back at me signaling me to move in closer to him. I got out of the bed and neared my head to his; he pulled my short hair, although you really couldn’t pull much. Fi and Liam left the room a few seconds after which led me to think. I looked over at my phone, as I had heard it ringing. It was a call, from the Kash ‘N Grab. I frowned at my phone, as if it would understand my thoughts and erase this phone call. Let me be very specific when I say what a fucking stupid phone I have. I answered and tried to remain as calm and happy as Linda would expect. She was actually in a very good mood, which wasn’t usual in Linda, but I couldn’t care less. She was very strict about my delays, and she was sort of yelling at me. Still this was her at her best. I told her I would be there in 20 minutes. She agreed and hanged up. I looked to my phone, and saw that I had a text. It was from Lloyd. It was sent at 10.32 last night, I was probably sleeping at the time, with Liam wrapped around my neck like a little monkey. He wanted to meet me and get it on I guess. I sighed and closed the inbox. I didn’t have time for Lloyd; I had to get ready for work. I shouldn’t be thinking about anything else than that, although there was always a guy in the back of my head that wouldn’t leave me alone.  
……

I took about 10 minutes to shower, and I knew I wasn’t going to be there in 20 but fuck, Linda could wait a few more minutes. I wrapped the towel around my waist and stirred myself into the bedroom. Only then did I notice Lip was still in bed; he had been lying there the whole time. He looked down at me from the top of the bunk bed and grinned. He asked me what I was doing out of bed so early. I told him about Linda’s call, he smirked at me, and I think he might have even laughed a little inside. He turned back to his pillow, which seemed to have been his greatest lover for the past few weeks, ever since he and Mandy were kinda in a rough patch. I hadn’t talked to her in a while as well; I had resented even going near the Milkovich residence since…well the whole thing. 

I was almost fully dressed when my phone rang again. I didn’t even look; I assumed it was Linda again. I just turned it off, and threw it in my pocket. I begged myself to keep everything together, to make myself leave this place. I didn’t need Lip to come back with that shitty pep talk. My nails were cutting through the palm off my hand and I knew I wouldn’t last much longer in these walls. I almost slipped thru down the stairs and had to grab the wall so I wouldn’t give in to gravity. I grabbed my jacket and ran out of the door.

I got to the store in about 10 minutes later that I had promised my boss. She yelled at me, but I was frozen right there. I wasn’t even listening, I just nodded. These walls were falling down on me with past images, and they were speaking louder than Linda ever would. She then excused herself, probably because of the baby growing inside of her and left the store, leaving me in charge.   
……

A few hours had gone by and only seven people had come in the store. It was obviously a slow day, which made it worse to keep my mind occupied, because I just couldn’t keep certain…sentences off my head.

I sighed heavily and slowly, moving myself to the front of the counter to pick up the magazine I had just thrown down. I leaned down caught it in my hands, and fell to the floor. I didn’t even acknowledge I was falling until my cheeks were actually touching the coldness of the ground. My hands felt painfully under me, resting on my whole body’s weight, leaving me in agony, as if what I was feeling wasn’t already painful enough. I didn’t need to get up, I was fine right there, although the ache was running through me like a disease spread through my veins. 

I lay there for about an hour and a half, not moving an inch, with the exception of the removal of my hands from under me to my head, I was broken. I had always told myself that I wouldn’t be like Frank or Monica. I wouldn’t abandon my loved ones, my family, my own blood, and I would take care of them and help them whenever they needed me. Unfortunately when I needed them the most, there was no possible way for them to help. There was an immense amount of heat crawling underneath me. I was hot and cold, burnt and frozen, as if there was a temperature engine inside of me, changing constantly, and I…I could hardly breathe, my mouth was dry, and my bottom lip was only now beginning to heal the wounds I had been constantly perforating through the day. I stirred my shoulders back and tried to sit up. I felt my lips trembling. I closed my mouth and the feeling speed through my teeth and into my whole body. 

Hours had gone by and I hadn’t seen a single person come in, which was great because I hadn’t moved much since last time, and I hoped I didn’t have to. I was staring deeply into one of the hallways of the store. The one where once Mickey’s had been shot by Kash, and I swear that after every breath I took reminding myself of that moment, I could feel the heat of his wounded thigh on my hands. I could sense him, although he couldn’t sense me. My hands were growing warmer in hurt. I slid one of them through my face and I barely held in a tear. Mickey was right there, beneath my palms. He couldn’t touch me, but I was touching him. I felt his skin in my mouth, my lips running up and down his beautiful scarred body, slowly kissing and biting. This feeling went on for a while, until I opened my eyes again, and saw the time. There was only half an hour until my shift was over. I gathered my things and closed the store. Linda would have obviously killed me for leaving early, but she trusted me enough if I told her no, so there wasn’t much problem around that.

I thought of walking back home, and reunite with my bed once more, but for some reason I had a feeling I would be forced to think of Mickey. Oh, his name didn’t seem as bad now. I guess all I needed was to feel him again, and maybe this could all go away. Who the fuck was I kidding, go away? I had been hooked on this guy ever since I saw him on the Kash ‘N Grab stealing stuff. I thought I had gone crazy, I mean I had known who he was before, tough guy Mickey Milkovich, who hardly anyone dared to speak to, because he came from a very well-known family around here, and they were not known for their good deeds. 

With this chain of thoughts I hadn’t even noticed I had been walking this whole time, I was walking under the L, and straight home for some reason. I didn’t want to go there, I felt going home was a mistake. As if I would drown in my sheets and never wake up again from my sweet dreams. I was walking in this street whose name wouldn’t come to mind but somehow it made me feel warmer. There was a hot beat in my heart and it kept pounding and pounding, and finally I understood why. I was standing right in front of the field with both of my hands in my pockets and a sorrow filled smile. I was walking towards the balconies where the players usually sat. My right hand was holding to the fence and the other was kept inside my pocket clenching against my thigh. I could feel Mickeys warm back against my chest, his skin beneath me, every cell in his body begin for another thrust, his deep voice begin for me, begin for me to be in him “C’mon Gallagher, you can do better than this!”.

He obviously would never beg, BEG me, or of me. He was too tough for that, but I could make him beg in his unique and perfect way, only I could do that. He was pushing himself back, fucking himself on me, he felt so good on my cock. God damnit so good! Of course this was only me, in my head now. I sat on the same bench where he had been holding on, while I kept thrusting faster and faster behind him. I placed my elbows on my knees, and only then did I notice I was semi-hard. Jesus! Just thinking about his scarred thigh, from the time Kash shoot him because of me, his tight ass, oh my god his ass! I couldn’t believe the perfection of it, how it just delightfully took every thrust, how it kinkily moved when he walked away, as if it was teasing me to follow it. Ok, now I was fully hard. I didn’t want to waste a perfectly good hard-on so I took care of it. The faster I would go, the more he came to mind. His black short hair, which was just big enough for me to hold on to while he screamed and threw himself back at me. But the best, best fucking thing about him, was the things he said when he was under my control. The insanities that would leave his soft lips, they would just eat me up from the inside out. Although the only idea of his lips I had was when they were climbing my body straight for my lips, and never seen to reach the goal. The lines across his back would tighten up every time he was yelling and ready to come. I was ready to come, and his name kept playing in my mind like an unforgettable melody. Another thing I had come to love about this arrangement we had, he didn’t have to know how much his naked body was viewed inside my head. “Mickey. Oh, Mickey!” I gasped.

I finished myself off and cleaned my hand on a towel left behind by someone who had played a game there probably. Pulled up my boxers and jeans and zipped them up. I was walking back out of the field and fixing my belt when I heard a shout.  
Someone shouted my name, I could have sworn it was a familiar tone, but I had absolutely no idea who. I turned around and I didn’t want to believe she was here. What the hell was she doing following me around, checking up on me?

…..

-What the fuck are you doing around here? –I was currently pissed. I was angry and frustrated, of how stupid I had even been not to have considered the hypothesis of someone following me around. –Just tell me where the fuck he is. Lip. Hey c’mon be a man! Show your face!

-He’s not here Ian. – She was calm and serene, yet there was a slight feel of anger in her, as if it was about to burst out and yell at me. –I don’t even know why I’m here. Lip says you haven’t been okay for some time. He asked me to keep an eye on you today. He said you looked too happy. – as she spoke she placed her hands on the pockets of her skin tight skirt and pushed her shoulders closer together to her neck, as if she really didn’t know or care.

-Well I’m alive; I’m fine and not drunk. I think that covers it. – I walked towards the exit, and that’s when she said it.

She asked, if this was about a guy. My heart stopped for a second, skipping its beat. I asked what else had my brother explained to her, she smiled and said nothing. He hadn’t opened his mouth to her, good, that’s good. My mouth was open, but nothing was coming off. I wanted to scream, to let out all of my hurt, all of my thoughts and knives I had inside of me, but for some reason I left as if my lips were sealed, which they weren’t. She ran to me and held me tight in her arms. I couldn’t return the favor, I was too far gone into keeping the pain inside, I couldn’t for much longer, I think. She said what she thought were comforting words, she acknowledged what a catch I was, that guys come and go, and that whoever had done this, did not, and she repeated DID NOT deserve me. The thing was I didn’t deserve him either. We didn’t deserve each other and that was the perfection of it all. We weren’t prizes won at some carnival; we weren’t medals to be polished. No! We were fucked up, out of our minds and completely perfect one for another. With all of this filling my mind how could I ever leave him, the thought of him? I had already left his in the other hand. 

I felt a rebel tear leave my eye. Another followed it and I began to set them free as the hug got stronger. She would never understand my need, my desire, my intense want for him. But it was alright, nobody ever would, not even him.


	3. A Bad Replacement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It might be getting better, but nothing ever goes right for the Gallaghers right?

Mandy was walking me home, and I was feeling a little better, lighter even. I had let almost all of my tears run out, and her back was seriously soaked after my intense therapy session. I really thought Lip would’ve said anything, yet thank God I was wrong. I had no idea how she would react to this. I had pretended to date her for a while, when she found out I was gay but, I don’t really think she expected me to be fucking her brother. I don’t think she even expected her brother to be gay in the first place. We had been walking for about two hours straight. Not that our neighbourhood was so far away from the baseball field, but we had been walking a little slower because I still didn’t feel like coming home.  
She was holding my arm tight, maybe she didn’t feel like letting go, or maybe she was just looking out for me, like Lip would. Or even Mickey. Although neither of them would ever hold me like she would. I finally saw the entrance of my house. I begged her not to leave me alone, but she said my brother was waiting for her so she had to go. I felt her fingers slip thru my arm as she left me standing there in front of my own house, a place I feared more than ever. 

I swallowed what I thought was fear in my throat and took a step forward. The key turned perfectly in the lock and the door was open in less than seconds. I stirred myself upstairs quickly so no one could see me. By the time I had gone up to mine, Lip’s and Carl’s room I had notice my rush was of no value. I found a note on my bed that Lip left. “Fiona is out with Steve’s family for dinner, she took Debbie and Carl. Liam is with V. I’m out with Mandy, won’t be home til morning. There’s some lasagne on the fridge.”  
I drove myself to my bed and just laid there. I began to take off my jacket, my t-shirt, my pants, until only red bright boxers were hugging my skin. I turned around and dived my face into the warming pillow, attempting to rest my sleepless mind. Today had been one especially tough day for me. My body was exhausted, my mind was blurred, I just needed to rest a little before I went down and had dinner, by myself. 

……

-Hey buddy! – I heard a voice tumbling towards me. I clenched my eyes, trying to keep them closed, but whoever it was didn’t want to leave me alone - Are you asleep? Did you even eat at least?

-What the fuck? –I was startled by their obnoxious attempt to arouse me from my sweet dreams. Dreams I could only have now, because life had taken them from me. In this exact case, the officer who arrested him. – Lip? Stop that! 

-It’s Jimmy, Ian. Wake up! My parents are downstairs, come spend a little time with us. It will make you feel a little better you’ll see.

I could hardly see how standing in a room with Lloyd would be good for me. I would think about him. About his bare naked ass, his somehow ripped torso. Okay, great now it was in my head again. Mickey as well, although to be fair I don’t think he ever left.

So now I wasn’t home alone. I wasn’t drowning in my own sorrow. I was being pushed around by Steve/Jimmy who kept pissing me off, and telling me to get dressed, to come downstairs, to be with all of them. I was just so fucking tired of this bullshit! I honestly did not need Lloyd’s face on my mind, or his naked body, or his god damn tight ass which my cock had encountered with about three or four times. And now it was, and if I was to look at him, I’d probably just see his nude back turned to me. Not okay.

Steve/Jimmy took my blankets off and turned me around to face him. He smirked and asked in which drawer were my cloths. I didn’t really say any words I just looked at mine and Lip’s dresser and he understood. He took of a t-shirt, a pair of jeans and some socks. He threw all of the above at me, and told me to hurry up. Out of affection for Fi I offered him a smile and began to dress myself, as he walked back downstairs. I took a little more time than usually since I was trying with all means to not see Steve/Jimmy’s dad.

I heard footsteps coming towards the room. I yelled I would be ready in a few minutes, I’m not working with the speed of light in here, but then a sweet voice came to my ears and I realized I’d been yelling at the wrong person. I turned around and buttoned my jeans as Debbie looked up at me and smiled. She was smart enough to know I wasn’t talking to her when I yelled. The smile on my face could also be a sign of that. She got closer to me and hugged me by the torso; she wasn’t very tall yet. I got down on my knees so we could be at the same height and hugged her back. She said she never wanted me to leave, especially because she didn’t think all of them could take care of Liam and Carl without me. Not that I was the person which they respected the most, but from time to time I was in deed a valuable member of this little community.

I promised her I wouldn’t, although I knew it was a lie. I would eventually have to leave but I wouldn’t leave them now. That I was sure of. Only that could I promise her.  
She stood there with a doll on her hands as I took my socks and put them on. I looked at the t-shirt, that Steve/Jimmy had thrown at me doubtfully. Debbie then began to look in my drawer for another and found just one of my favourites, with black strips on purple. It had 6 buttons right on the neck, and it wasn’t a t-shirt, but a sweat-shirt. I didn’t mind, and it was sort of a cold summer night. Why not? I stirred my head next to my little sister’s and she place the whole thru my head, leaving me with the sweat-shirt only hanging from my neck, and both of our faces filled with an idiotic smile. I pushed it down, and I was dressed. I had sneakers, jeans, socks even; I was ready to go downstairs. Debs grabbed my hand and I obviously followed her out of the room and to the stairs. I stopped myself when I heard laughs. I could distinctively separate Lloyd’s laugh from everyone else’s and a nod began expanding in my throat. 

-Whatever you’re afraid off Ian, it’s gonna go away. –She used one of those sweet and heart-warming smiles she had saved for such situations, she held out her hand to me - You can hold my hand if you want to.

I didn’t know what to expect from her, but if I had this would have never been a possible answer. I mean she was entirely more grown and mature than maybe some of us, despite her age, but…this was my little sister, offering me help, without even knowing, asking what I needed. I gladly smiled and picked her up in my arms. I said I might need more than a hand, but I would take what I could get. We were in the kitchen now, and just a few steps to the right was the living room. I swallowed every bit of anger, embracement, lust, and smiled at my little sister as I drove us into the room where all the eyes had been meeting us since we’d gone down the last step. I crawled back into myself and pulled out yet another fake smile. My stock was going to need more supplies. Steve/Jimmy and Fi were sitting together on the couch, as were Steve/Jimmy’s parents. Carl was on the floor playing with something, I really couldn’t tell what it was. Maybe he was trying to hide the toys. Liam wasn’t anywhere to be seen, so I assumed he was already in his crib, sleeping like an angel. Debbie kept pointing at the empty chair next to the coach, standing right in front of us. She had said many times for me to sit there with her. I was too busy thinking so she twisted the skin in my hand. I gasped a little at the contact of her nails ripping off my skin and obeyed her. I placed her on the floor while I sat down and she immediately climbed onto my lap and looked up to me.

I could sense Lloyd’s stare in the side of my head. I tried to focus on my little sister who could apparently sense the fear built up and increasing in me and held my hand, tight. I held back even tighter, I looked at her as to apologize. She nodded her head negatively and rubbed her nose in mine. I couldn´t help but laugh, and neither could the eldest of us. Fiona was laughing almost hysterically. She was asking Debbie what she was doing, in a funny way, because she could hardly speak in between the laughter, which made Steve/Jimmy laugh as well. When I noticed everyone was laughing even Carl. It was a sweet jester, they hadn’t understood, and when you can’t understand, you laugh. Great philosophy of life.

……

I woke up once again to someone’s yells. I wasn’t getting used to it, and neither did I want to so I schussed them. The voice just kept going louder and louder, and this person was seriously intending to arouse me, and I just did not need it. I wanted to sleep. To stay in my bed and…my bed felt a little weird actually. Was this even my bed? 

-Ian get up and go to your bed! You are not sleeping on the chair! –Ok, so Fiona was the one bittering me about falling asleep on what was apparently the chair where a few hours ago I’d been sitting with Debs on my lap. She had gone to be bed. I remembered that, but a few beers later I was a little more blurred in terms of memory that I would’ve like to be.

–I’m so sorry to keep you waiting. 

-It’s alright, Fiona. Someone has to take care of the family. – This was definitely Steve/Jimmy’s mom talking. I’d recognize that voice, because it was a little peculiar, and who else would be there at that time. She then turned to her son and spoke. – We must be going now Jimmy, talk to you soon. – She kissed his cheek.

She then said goodbye to Fiona, and planted a kiss on her cheek as well and another on my forehead as I started to get up and move to my bed. Steve/Jimmy hugged his mother in a loving embrace and Fiona was turned to face her boyfriend. Fi and he were sharing looks as he hugged him mom. His dad on the other hand was smirking at me. I think even grinning at some point. I could hardly stand up straight, how could I be sure, he was really, really doing so?  
I shook my head and clenched my eyes. Fiona and Steve/Jimmy carried his parents outside as they waved goodbye at me. I was glad they were out of the house. Although in retrospective Lloyd was kind of stuck in my brain now. Ah, and of course Mickey. Oh, how in hell could I forget that one? I wish someone would answer that for me. I’ll be god damn thankful, believe me. I could’ve walked to the kitchen and climbed up the stairs, since I was half way there, but I decided to go up the staircase on the living room. It seemed to be a lot quieter. I heard the door open again, and someone walked in.

-I’m going to bed Fi, I heard you the first time.

-Thank you for the complement, but I don’t think I look as good as your sister thou. –He laughed and stared at me before moving towards the place on the bottom of the stairs where I was standing and walked right by me climbing the stairs. – I’ve been wearing my dad’s blazer for a week. He wants it back. – I nodded at him and waited until he was out of sight to gently laugh. For a second there, after I thought he was Fiona I thought he was…

-Hey hot stuff. You’re still not in bed? – Oh good. Lloyd was here. He had just called hot stuff, again. With his son on the house, his wife outside with my sister, and almost all my other siblings sleeping, this day couldn’t have had a better ending to it. 

-Yeah. I was going upstairs but your so….

-Listen if you don’t want us to see each other anymore I’m okay with that, but you could at least text me back, okay? – He whispered and was smirking. This time it was definitely a smirk. It is in these moments of my life I ask myself, why do you always, always go for the wrong type Ian? Why can’t they be single, normal people? I guess the fact that I wasn’t normal to start with didn’t help much. 

-Okay. I don’t want us to see each other anymore. It’s….weird. – I was also whispering, I didn’t want anyone to hear us that I had slept with an old married man. Again.-Not us, just the fact that one of your sons is dating my sister, I mean it’s…

-It’s okay. I’m fine with that. But keep my number in case you change your mind. – He leaned in closer to me, until I could feel his warm breathe on my neck – But in case you’re thinking of erasing my number. – his voice kept lowering until you could hardly hear anything, except he was very close to my ear, so I could hear perfectly fine. – Here’s a little souvenir.

He started sucking on my neck, quickly and tenderly. I was moaning, but fortunately I still had some control and was able to keep it down. He kept going faster and biting down on my skin. I was hardly in control of anything now, other than my hands which were holding on to his shoulders, so I wouldn’t fall down. He kept biting and sucking on my neck, he then reached my lips, and we shared a “biting on your bottom lip” kind of kiss, yet it felt more like a “your son, my sister and your wife can show up at any moment and see this” kind of kiss. He then finally took another turn on my neck and left his mark. I was pretty sure I would have a hickey there in the morning. He was staring at me, thrilling happy and with his hands on his pockets now.

He whispered in my ear how a shameful it was that he had to go home now and waste his perfectly good hard-on on his wife. He said how good my ass felt in his hands. He then proved it by placing one of them on it, and pulling me closer to him. I was startle by this. And it got even worse when I heard Steve/Jimmy’s voice. He removed his hand but kept the smile. His son was strutting down the stairs and gave him the blazer. He acknowledged the jester and smiled at his son.

Steve/Jimmy looked at me, a little surprised, and asked why I wasn’t in bed yet. I was going to answer him but Lloyd cut me off and explained that he had seen me go upstairs when he came in and thought he would just say goodbye to me properly. Steve/Jimmy bought it and I was in no mood to deny it. I said goodbye generally, and both of them responded as I climbed the stairway to my sanctuary. I really needed to sleep. I got to my room, removed all of my clothing and saw Carl move in his bed. I had even thought of changing my underwear but I would just take a bath tomorrow. I got under my sheets with only my socks and boxers and closed my eyes. Hardly did I know I was hard. Damnit not again! I figured I could sleep it off; I wasn’t going to deal with it now, for sure.


End file.
